Jeff Foxworthy's Take on Teachers: HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TEACHER? (Commentary by Rixie)

Jeff Foxworthy's Take on Teachers: HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TEACHER? (Commentary by Rixie)

1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line. (This happens all the time and I love when I can reprimand a student without even turning around. The kids are always amazed by how we know them!)

2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something. (Well, more like seeing something laminated--not the actual lamination process.)

3. You walk into a store and hear the words 'It's Ms/Mr. _________'and know you have been spotted. (I go NOWHERE in this town because I'm afraid of being spotted. I finally get it, Mom!)

4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another. (It happens at least once a month. They're always so embarrassed. Luckily by the time they're not freshmen anymore, it doesn't really happen. There's still a senior boy and two sophomore boys that call me Mom whenever they see me just as a joke--it's a little frightening.)

5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes. (Twenty-five? Ha! More like nineteen!)

6. You've trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and prep period. (No matter what!)

7. You start saving other people's trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.

8. You believe the teachers' lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine. (I could use one everyday during third hour...about 10:00 a.m.)

9. You want to slap the next person who says 'Must be nice to work 8 to 4 and have summers off.' (I always respond, "Who do you know with that job and where can I apply?" A teacher is never "off-duty." Especially living in a small town.)

10. You believe chocolate is a food group. (I lock my door at 4:30 and all my students know that if you need in after that to talk to me, you'd better bring chocolate, cause I won't open the door without it.)

11. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside. (I know I'm slow, but for my first 18 years when my mother would come home and say this, I thought it was a joke and she was kidding. I had no idea that this was a real occurrence until my first year of teaching when it suddenly clicked. I wish all people who don't work with kids would have to come in to the classroom and experience this. The change is as real as it would be if they all morphed into werewolves. It's that obvious.)

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says 'Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.' (I work with freshmen, so they're never mellow. Not even first hour when the rest of the students are sleepwalking.)

13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public. (Once at the movies [with either Kim or Tara--I can't remember now] I actually turned around and started scolding these kids without even thinking. It's like I flipped out and thought it was okay to yell at total strangers in the middle of a movie. It's hard to turn the teacher switch off. ... I also want to reprimand crying, spoiled children in stores.]

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin. (I love when parents say they don't believe in Ritalin and my mom says to their face in total disgust, "Oh...you're one of 'Them.'" On behalf of teachers everywhere, may I just say to these parents thanks for punishing US for YOUR mistakes?")

15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children. (Well, I don't have kids, but I definitely spend more money on school stuff than I do on myself!)

17. You can't pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items! (I am THROUGH lending pencils to the kids. DONE!)

18. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a 'good choice or a bad choice.' (I mainly want to lecture my friends and especially my siblings about the dangers of procrastinating.)

19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils (and a blank sheet of notebook paper.)

20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer (and the scented wipes. One of the other English teachers and I give those things to each other for birthdays and Christmas every year.)

and finally,

21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way after meeting his or her parents. (Um, nuff said.)