I love nature. I go for long walks in the woods and hike up mountains before breakfast. I pitch my tent and wander to the stream where I bathe leisurely before relaxing in the sun while I read Hemingway. I am one with nature. Later I catch my own fish and clean and cook it myself. Howling wolves don’t scare me—I revel in the danger the wilderness offers me. I am woman. Hear me roar.
In reality, I hide inside. I want the air conditioner on if the temperature gets even slightly above 77 degrees. I stay up late and sleep in late. Early to bed and early to rise may make a man healthy, wealthy and wise, but it also takes a toll on a girl’s social life. Plus, it’s boring. I don’t sit in the sun without my 45 SPF sunscreen, and my J.Lo-inspired straw hat makes a fashion statement as much as it shelters me from harmful UV rays. I never, ever go anywhere without my cell phone. You just never know who you might need to get in contact with.
Friends will occasionally suggest we do something new and exciting and I’m quick to agree. Hey, I’m spontaneous. “Yeah, camping’s great. I used to camp all the time. Let’s do it sometime. We’ll make S’mores.” Later, I am forced to set them straight. “Camping?” I repeat, wrinkling my nose. “As in … a tent … and no bathrooms? Sure, camping’s great in theory. But in actual practice…” I trail off, indicating I know something they don’t from my extensive history with the wilderness of the Midwest. “Besides, what about showering? I have to shower. Everyday. It’s this thing I have. And we’ll need pop. You know how I like to have a diet Cherry Coke every couple of hours. Vending machines don’t grow on trees, you know.”
Then I’ll pick up my Cosmo or InStyle and see a cute work-out outfit or brand new sneakers in a color I just have to have—never mind that I never wear shoes that aren’t either a) flip-flops or b) something strappy with a heel that will put me above 5 foot 2. Now, to go along with the new shoes, I’ll need a new denim skirt—one of those ones that looks like it’s been washed a million times—and brand new make-up to give myself that au naturale look I’m aiming for.
“Earth tones are in this fall, Rixie,” one of my friends recently informed me. “What?” I cried in a panic. “Earth tones? I don’t have the coloring for earth tones. More to the point, I don’t have the wardrobe for earth tones.” I have to wonder if, when the fashion gods decided earth tones were in, they counted on all the drama that goes along with preparing for a season. I’ve reconciled myself to the fact that there’s only one thing to do: hit the mall. Might as well break in those new sneakers.
