This morning, I got up to eat breakfast and discovered to my surprise (and vast delight) this account of my life written by my sister, from my point-of-view. So funny!!! My favorite parts are the P.S. at the end of each "entry."
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF RIXIE
Dear Diary,
Plotted today to break spirit of sister Tara. She has no idea what’s coming, poor dolt. Kept going on and on about television shows and opera singing boys with curly hair. Never stopped to think about whether I was interested in what she was saying. Just kept talking and talking and talking. Wanted to shut her up right then, but these things take time. Must remember to pick up arsenic at store tomorrow. Will surely wear her down.
Love,
Rixie
P.S. Had cutest outfit at school today.
Dear Diary,
Plans to break spirit of sister Tara thwarted today when she nixed usual morning cup of hot cocoa. Not sure if she suspects. Normally she’s too self-involved to notice anything not involving her curly hair or last night’s guest on Craig Ferguson. But can’t be too careful. Will perhaps try not to seem too overeager when offering to make her a cup (with arsenic) tomorrow.
Love,
Rixie
P.S. Wore pink bracelet with black skirt today. Seven compliments.
Dear Diary,
If Tara continues to prattle on so, swear will take her down tonight. Have decided against arsenic—so outdated. And likely to end in death—not necessary. Just need peace and quiet. Instead will fashion device that slowly drains all her electronic devices of battery life. Broken spirit will follow quickly, am sure.
Love,
Rixie
P.S. Still the cutest.
Dear Diary,
Was forced to clean Tara’s hair out of drain after shower this morning. Do not know if can keep rage about this quiet. But do not want to let on. Tara seems unusually perceptive today. Like when she noticed how adorable I was looking in new belt and sandals.
Love,
Rixie
P.S. Perky new math teacher wore new Capri pants to 9th grade girls’ delight. Add her to potential hit list.
Dear Diary,
Tara now definitely aware something strange going on. Caught her examining hot cocoa mix for no apparent reason. Must tell her Josh Groban battling life-threatening disease to make her senses go haywire.
Love,
Rixie
P.S. Perky new math teacher wore ugly loafers today. Am still the cutest.
Dear Diary,
Have soaked Tara’s iPod and laptop battery in macaroni and cheese, then washed and returned to their places. She seemed listless and forlorn this evening when could not get either to work. Plan going excellently. Also bought new hoop earrings.
Love,
Rixie
P.S. Was voted Coolest Teacher by world today. Splendid.
Dear Diary,
Took Tara nearly seven seconds to change channel from “Still Standing” tonight. Strength of loss of electronic devices much higher than anticipated. Am already enjoying effects. Household much more peaceful without constant squealing and obsessing.
Love,
Rixie
P.S. Broke nail today. Boo.
Dear Diary,
Plan momentarily set back by surprise appearance by Gerard Butler on Late Late Show tonight. Tara seemed to gain a bit more color. Still, noticed that her curls have a bit less spring. Most excellent.
Love,
Rixie
P.S.
Have made up for broken nail by adding sparkle polish.
Am now both creative and sparkly.
Dear Diary,
Responded to Surprise Gerry Appearance incident with own attack: taped over Tara’s copy of Double, Double, Toil, and Trouble. Reminded her that Olsen twins grew up to be sluts who wear gross clothing. Definitely breaking down her spirit.
Love,
Rixie
P.S. Definitely have better clothes than Mary-Kate, if not Ashley.
Dear Diary,
Plan nearly complete. Told Tara that Meg Cabot announced she would no longer include romance in her books. Know spirit must already be suffering, because she believed me and crawled off to lie on bathroom rug for awhile. Am enjoying having all Diet Sunkist to myself more than can really describe.
Love,
Rixie
P.S. Experimented with barrette today, to great success. Six compliments.
Dear Diary,
Have officially broken Tara’s spirit. Over breakfast, said casually, “Lord of the Rings was too long as it is. It didn’t need all those additional scenes on the DVD.” And Tara paused for awhile and then said, “Yeah.” Was able to finish breakfast and read book in total silence. Not one mention of Faramir’s auburn curls or Aragorn’s sword. Mission: accomplished.
P.S. Still the cutest. Life: good.
(By Tara, With Love To Rixie, May 13, 2007.)
4 comments:
Your sister must be really awesome and funny.
P.S. Remember that time I laughed unexpectedly and spit Diet Sunkist all over your laptop?
Why don't you ever reply to my comments? Seriously.
I often think about responding to your comments, but then I think, what if she never notices them ... so instead I always email you my comments. Well, actually, I think about emailing you my comments, but then never get around to it. So, here, I'm doing it now:
My sister is the coolest. You wish you could be that cool, but you can't.
Hee hee hee... well I'm glad you responded to that one. Chances are good that I will notice if you reply. Because I always notice when you don't, so. This would be the same, only happier.
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