17 July 2003
Dear Sir or Madame:
We have recently received word that you have been a victim of a Condescending Friend. Here at rixiestarr.blogspot.com, we offer many charms to recover from a Condescending Curse. (Please note the change of hours at rixiestarr.blogspot.com. Although we were open for business 12:30 to 5:30 pm Monday through Friday, we are now open 7am to 5:30pm Monday through Friday. Feel free to contact us at rixiestarr@hotmail.com with any other cases of Dumb-Ass Friends. We are here to serve).
In response to Condescending Friends who raise eyebrows and give looks of disbelief, there are many responses to give. There is the "yeah-what's-it-to-you?" response. This involves either a defiant-making-eye-contact-with-no-blinking facial expression, or alternatively, getting close in the offender's face and enunciating coldly and distinctly (write this down), "Yeah? What's it to you?" This can be said either as "Yeah, what's it to YOU?" or "Yeah, what's it TO you?" Studies have shown both work are equally affective. Miss Rixie likes to keep it random and calls upon the one she feels will be most effective the split-second before she says it. Others say they prefer to be prepared and spend many minutes practicing menacing faces and the preferred tone of voice before the mirror. This is a personal matter that you, Sir or Madame, will have to try out for yourself. (Please note: here at rixiestarr.blogspot.com, we always welcome comments and feedback documenting your method of choice. Please send all comments to rixiestarr@hotmail.com).
The second response option is the Ice Queen response. This involves an icy stare (note: this is a stare, NOT a glare. A glare gives off too much emotion and the objective of this option is to show the offender that you indeed do NOT feel annoyed, embarrassed, ashamed, or affected in any way, shape or form) that lingers beyond a time that is comfortable for the offender. In fact, studies have shown that continuing this icy stare into a new conversation is especially effective.
The third response option is quite similar to the Ice Queen response, but is instead, The Smirk. The first step is to make eye contact with the offender. Secondly, slowly spread your face (note: using your whole face instead of merely your lips leads to a more powerful smirk) into a small half-smile. Slowly, very slowly, let your gaze wander down to the object (here, DVD) the offender is holding. Allowing your expression to become amused. Slide your eyes back to the offender's face and let your eyes tell the offender that you know something he or she doesn't, before tossing your hair and wheeling around to flaunt off. March off with a purpose, no wandering around dilly-dallying. This implies you may still be thinking of what the offender has said to you. (Note: you have the option, while smirking at the object before tossing your hair to say mysteriously, "Yes, well ..." Then make eye contact with the offender and let a bemused twitch cross your lips. This lends to the air that you know something the offender does not).
While all these options have proved effective in studies, there is one other option I feel I must be pressed upon to tell you. Now understand that in continuing to read this, you have as good as signed a binding contract stating you agree to keep the contents of the rest of this memo confidential. This means that while you are free to use this means against those attacks of an unfair, impure and utterly annoying nature, you are not free to teach or tell others of the power this final option holds. In other words, keep your big trap shut.
This final method is called the "Your mom!" approach. It is not, however, a slander on your or, for that matter, anyone else's mother. This is a diversionary tactic to throw other would-be offenders off the trail. The "Your mom!" approach is our most highly valued and therefore, most highly secretive approach. It originated between two of our highest officials, known in the Underground as Natty and Eeks, while they were mock fighting. It is quite lucky that it was a mock argument and not a genuine one. The effects of this approach are still felt today in their relationship. Had this been a genuine attempt to slander the other person, we at rixiestarr.blogspot.com can only say that the aftershocks would have been disastrous and only one party would be around to tell the woeful tale.
The "Your mom!" approach involves the victim stepping into the offender's personal space and saying loudly, wildly, almost dangerously, "Fizzah-fizzah!" The result of this most effective occurence is that the offender is bewildered, mystified and confounded. This puzzlement gives you, the victim, the upperhand. The offender's thoughts are madly scrambling, trying to remember a time before when they may have heard this odd phrase, wondering what it means, and more importantly, what they can do now.
The fact of the matter is there is nothing they can do now. There is no way to recover from the "Your mom!" approach. No way, save one. The only counter-charm to "Fizzah, fizzah!" is what is known as the triple dog dare. (WARNING: Unless you have strong powers of resolve, you may want to attire yourself in sunglasses as you read this.) The triple dog dare is simply this: "Fizzah-fizzah INFINITY!" There is NO recovery from the triple dog dare. Note: it is not recommended to bypass the "Your mom!" approach in favor of the triple dog dare except in cases of extreme (and by "extreme" we mean EXTREME!) condescension. Use at your own risk.
We at rixiestarr.blogspot.com hope you are now better equipped in your dealings with Dumb-Ass Friends. Use these options wisely and sparingly. Note: this is an automated message. Do not reply. If necessary, reply to rixiestarr@hotmail.com.
Yours very truly,
Miss Rixie
