Luv

“Give me an occupation or I shall run mad.”
-Alan Rickman, Sense and Sensibility, 1995


I’m in love. And not the shallow, fleeting, puppy-love sort either. No, this is full-blown, ever-lasting love. This is Sonny love. And those of you who know me well (or really, know me at all) know what that means. This is obsessive love.

His name is Orlando Bloom. He’s an actor. He’s currently starring in Pirates of the Caribbean and come December, he’ll reprise his role as Legolas in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He’s also British. That means double hotness.

All right, so he doesn’t exactly know I exist, but that’s never stopped me before, now has it? Why let a little thing like that get in my way?

So since I’m at work, I decided to put my time to good use. I’m at a point where I’m ready to stop random people walking by my cubicle to say, ala Alan Rickman, “Give me something to do or I shall run [even MORE] mad!” But now I have plenty to research. There are Orlando Bloom pictures to admire, Orlando Bloom quotes to memorize, Orlando Bloom interviews to read, Orlando Bloom multimedia to download, Orlando Bloom e-cards to send, and did I mention there are Orlando Bloom pictures to admire?

Goal #36--Check!

Lula: "'Ranger's the shit.'
Stephanie [confused]: 'Do we know anyone else who's the shit?'
Lula: 'John Travolta.'"
--Three to Get Deadly, Janet Evanovich


No, no--Janet's the shit!!

Goal #36 (or was it #35?) of my 100 Goals for this Lifetime accomplished Monday, 21 July 2003. Met Janet Evanovich at the Mall of America two days ago. Was a fabulous time. I was so excited the time flew by. Mum, Tara and I all went to Minneapolis. We left Monday morning and returned last night. We checked into a hotel and left immediately to do some shopping before the big EVENT. I got many a purchase so ten points for me. There was a store called Irish Indeed! where my inner Irish lassie sang her heart out (and emptied her pockets into their cash drawer). We waited in line for nearly two hours to get autographed copies of her books, but it was WELL worth it. I had Janet (see how we’re on a first-name basis?) autograph One for the Money, Four to Score, and Hard Eight, as well as To the Nines, of course. We also got our picture taken with her. She looked really tired and she has carpel tunnel in her wrist from signing so many books in the last couple years. Holy cow. Also met Alex, who I’m enamored with. She’s about nine feet tall and possibly even cooler than Janet (I don’t know…is that possible?) I got my picture taken with her and she was handing out postcards that said Damn Skippy! I took, um, maybe ten or twelve. I’m so star-struck!

One last thing…Janet said she was technologically handicapped. Ha-HA! Never again will I be ashamed of my ridiculous technological questions and my amazingly slow mind that just cannot wrap itself around a simple explanation of anything technological or mechanical.

I love Stephanie Plum!!

End of rave. [Exit stage left]

Countdown

Stephanie: "'I notice you only speak ghetto half the time.'
Ranger: 'I'm multilingual.'
I watched him walk away, feeling jealous, wishing I knew a second language."
-One for the Money, Janet Evanovich


Morelli: "'You've harassed my mother, stolen my car, and now you're telling people I've gotten you pregnant! In my opinion, getting someone pregnant is pretty fucking personal! Jesus, isn't it enough I'm accused of murder? What are you, the bounty hunter from hell?'
Stephanie: 'You're overwrought.'
Morelli: 'I'm beyond overwrought. I'm resigned. Everyone has a ccross to bear ... you're mine. I give up. Take the car. I don't care anymore. ... You're not making phone calls, are you?'
Stephanie: 'No, of course not.'
Morelli: 'Phone calls are expensive.'
Stephanie: 'Not to worry.'
Morelli: 'Shit. My life is shit.'
Stephanie: 'Probably this is just a phase.'"
-One for the Money, Janet Evanovich


Only 43 more hours until I get to see Janet Evanovich. Damn skippy!

re: Dumb-Ass Friends

17 July 2003



Dear Sir or Madame:
We have recently received word that you have been a victim of a Condescending Friend. Here at rixiestarr.blogspot.com, we offer many charms to recover from a Condescending Curse. (Please note the change of hours at rixiestarr.blogspot.com. Although we were open for business 12:30 to 5:30 pm Monday through Friday, we are now open 7am to 5:30pm Monday through Friday. Feel free to contact us at rixiestarr@hotmail.com with any other cases of Dumb-Ass Friends. We are here to serve).

In response to Condescending Friends who raise eyebrows and give looks of disbelief, there are many responses to give. There is the "yeah-what's-it-to-you?" response. This involves either a defiant-making-eye-contact-with-no-blinking facial expression, or alternatively, getting close in the offender's face and enunciating coldly and distinctly (write this down), "Yeah? What's it to you?" This can be said either as "Yeah, what's it to YOU?" or "Yeah, what's it TO you?" Studies have shown both work are equally affective. Miss Rixie likes to keep it random and calls upon the one she feels will be most effective the split-second before she says it. Others say they prefer to be prepared and spend many minutes practicing menacing faces and the preferred tone of voice before the mirror. This is a personal matter that you, Sir or Madame, will have to try out for yourself. (Please note: here at rixiestarr.blogspot.com, we always welcome comments and feedback documenting your method of choice. Please send all comments to rixiestarr@hotmail.com).

The second response option is the Ice Queen response. This involves an icy stare (note: this is a stare, NOT a glare. A glare gives off too much emotion and the objective of this option is to show the offender that you indeed do NOT feel annoyed, embarrassed, ashamed, or affected in any way, shape or form) that lingers beyond a time that is comfortable for the offender. In fact, studies have shown that continuing this icy stare into a new conversation is especially effective.

The third response option is quite similar to the Ice Queen response, but is instead, The Smirk. The first step is to make eye contact with the offender. Secondly, slowly spread your face (note: using your whole face instead of merely your lips leads to a more powerful smirk) into a small half-smile. Slowly, very slowly, let your gaze wander down to the object (here, DVD) the offender is holding. Allowing your expression to become amused. Slide your eyes back to the offender's face and let your eyes tell the offender that you know something he or she doesn't, before tossing your hair and wheeling around to flaunt off. March off with a purpose, no wandering around dilly-dallying. This implies you may still be thinking of what the offender has said to you. (Note: you have the option, while smirking at the object before tossing your hair to say mysteriously, "Yes, well ..." Then make eye contact with the offender and let a bemused twitch cross your lips. This lends to the air that you know something the offender does not).

While all these options have proved effective in studies, there is one other option I feel I must be pressed upon to tell you. Now understand that in continuing to read this, you have as good as signed a binding contract stating you agree to keep the contents of the rest of this memo confidential. This means that while you are free to use this means against those attacks of an unfair, impure and utterly annoying nature, you are not free to teach or tell others of the power this final option holds. In other words, keep your big trap shut.

This final method is called the "Your mom!" approach. It is not, however, a slander on your or, for that matter, anyone else's mother. This is a diversionary tactic to throw other would-be offenders off the trail. The "Your mom!" approach is our most highly valued and therefore, most highly secretive approach. It originated between two of our highest officials, known in the Underground as Natty and Eeks, while they were mock fighting. It is quite lucky that it was a mock argument and not a genuine one. The effects of this approach are still felt today in their relationship. Had this been a genuine attempt to slander the other person, we at rixiestarr.blogspot.com can only say that the aftershocks would have been disastrous and only one party would be around to tell the woeful tale.

The "Your mom!" approach involves the victim stepping into the offender's personal space and saying loudly, wildly, almost dangerously, "Fizzah-fizzah!" The result of this most effective occurence is that the offender is bewildered, mystified and confounded. This puzzlement gives you, the victim, the upperhand. The offender's thoughts are madly scrambling, trying to remember a time before when they may have heard this odd phrase, wondering what it means, and more importantly, what they can do now.

The fact of the matter is there is nothing they can do now. There is no way to recover from the "Your mom!" approach. No way, save one. The only counter-charm to "Fizzah, fizzah!" is what is known as the triple dog dare. (WARNING: Unless you have strong powers of resolve, you may want to attire yourself in sunglasses as you read this.) The triple dog dare is simply this: "Fizzah-fizzah INFINITY!" There is NO recovery from the triple dog dare. Note: it is not recommended to bypass the "Your mom!" approach in favor of the triple dog dare except in cases of extreme (and by "extreme" we mean EXTREME!) condescension. Use at your own risk.

We at rixiestarr.blogspot.com hope you are now better equipped in your dealings with Dumb-Ass Friends. Use these options wisely and sparingly. Note: this is an automated message. Do not reply. If necessary, reply to rixiestarr@hotmail.com.

Yours very truly,

Miss Rixie

Phone Phobia

Phobia, n.
1. A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.
2. A strong fear, dislike, or aversion.

Phone Phobia, n.
An abnormal and irrational fear of telephoning.

Just the Facts, Ma’am!
In a recent study, researchers say they are focusing on several issues of the debilitating yet (heretofore) unrecognized affliction aptly named phone phobia. Unstudied to now, this affliction can be debilitating for its sufferers not only because of its direct effects but also because it is so widely misunderstood in mainstream society. As one phobic, who wishes to remain nameless says, “People take phone phobia to be a joke. They don’t understand that phone phobia limits an otherwise capable person and that because society doesn’t recognize this affliction, it hinders others from saying they suffer also. That in turn makes phone phobia seem even more minute.”

Experts agree. In fact, they say they’ve uncovered several facts about phone phobia that henceforth have been unrealized. “The major breakthrough,” one researcher says, “is that we’ve isolated three specific incidents that can make the phobic feel more threatened.”

Studies show phobia increases if the phobic has to speak to a middleman before reaching the person they desired.
Ex: Hello Mrs. Robinson. May I speak to your daughter?
Also, researchers report, phobia increases if the telephonee does not know whom the telephoner is and needs an explanation.
Ex: This is Lisa from the Workforce Center. I work with your counselor …

Dialing a wrong number is ego-shattering. It may take days to recover. Researchers report of one case where it took the phobic more than one workweek to recover enough to try calling again.

“The major breakthrough, though,” one researcher shares, “is that research has shown, that phone phobia increases the most when other non-phobics are within hearing distance of said conversations.”

Working in cubicles is a typical example of this. The pressure to perform quickly and succinctly is great, and the phobic many times feels restricted. “It’s like having someone read over your shoulder,” another researcher analyzes.

Could YOU be phone phobic?
“Many people are unaware even that phone phobia exists,” shares a spokesperson from Awareness and Understanding for Phone Phobics, a regional organization recently founded. “That in itself is a devastating effect on helping phobics get the help they need.” Typical symptoms of phone phobia are sweating, shortness of breath, mild nausea and/or butterflies in the stomach anytime the mention of telephoning an unknown party is mentioned. More severe symptoms include the phobic going to any length to avoid making calls to unknown parties.

How Much Do YOU Know about Phone Phobia???
--When dialing people such as family and friends, the phobic is usually not afflicted by the debilitating disease
--It is not receiving calls that is debilitating for the phobic, it is making calls.
--It is not actually speaking to the telephoned person that the phobic fears most, it is the idea that before that person picks up something could go wrong: a wrong number, the desired person may not be at home, the desired person may not know who the caller is, etc. etc. It is these "what-ifs" that render a perfectly capable and sane person into a blithering phone phobic.

So before you judge: think of your worst fear (enclosed spaces? spiders? heights?) and remember--you are a capable person until you are in this position.

****This message brought to you by AUPP (Awareness and Understanding for Phone Phobics)****

Becoming More

"Without suffering there would be no compassion."
"Yeah, well tell that to those who suffer."
--Mandy Moore and Shane West, A Walk to Remember, 2002


Becoming More

And things fade
And through our deaths
We are reborn of the ashes.
Burnt up are our Mistakes,
Our Regrets, Our Heartaches
Our Past.

And we take with us
Only those things lingering
Beyond the flash of dazzling heat
Or chill of the iciest frost.
Our Love? Perhaps.
Our Compassion? We hope.
Our Future?

Our Future
Rises out of the remnants
As a phoenix, born again, soars to flight,
And we are reincarnated still in our present.

And with each season
We fade and bloom again.
In the summer of my life,
I know only this:
We fade—
And yet through each death
Our Humility
And Compassion are born.
And we become more.

Kindred Spirits

Anne Shirley: "Wilt thou give me a lock of thy jet-black tresses?"
Diana Barry : "But I don't have any black dresses."
Anne Shirley: "Your hair."
Diana Barry : "All right."
--Megan Follows and Schuyler Grant, Anne of Green Gables, 1985


Yesterday, my best friend Natty returned from a year long stint in Paris. The analogy we’re found of using through emails and letters is that being apart is like being right-handed and having your right arm cut off. Well, folks, it is now time for the arm to be surgically reattached. Yee-ha!

While she was away, frequent emailing made the situation a little more bearable. Mostly though, recalling better days helped me through it. (Cue painfully slow country music--preferably something with a strumming guitar and a poignant solo voice).

Like the time we had “problems” in our final papers for our favorite class two years ago. In reality, the professor was hot and it was a large lecture. We had to be sure he knew our names. After all, we’d been in the Front Row Fan Club all year and still, when we raised our hands he didn't call us by name but merely pointed. That had to remedied, obviously, since, as we’re fond of pointing out, we were the best ones. After several meetings in his office, the three of us were best friends and thus, when we bought his book and had him autograph it for us, we were only slightly star-struck and he only found us slightly, erm, ...enthusiastic. (Although Professor Lutz did seem to find it a bit weird when we asked that he sign it “Lutzy.” Disappointingly, his signature is illegible except for the L).

Or how many a nights we would talk ourselves to sleep at night, planning the different ways we could get past the restraining orders our numerous boyfriends, like Colin Firth ...and Mauricio ...and Dougray Scott ... and Brendan Fraser … and, well, you get the idea. Our favorite? Wrap ourselves up in red ribbon and overnight express ourselves. ("Surprise!" "Security!")

Or ... "forgetting" that we had a study date with other friends and going to the movies during finals week ... our experiences on the Death Elevator (that's a story for another time) ... getting yelled at in ho (that's Human Origins to you!) by the professor for giggling ... our debates over the merits of Bill & Ted actually traveling--through TIME, no less, in a phone booth ... buying Pop-Tarts so we could use the special slot in the toaster marked "Pop-Tarts" (despite the fact that neither of us actually liked Pop-Tarts) ... stealing posters from the video store ... stealing pumpkins from restaurants and making our escape in the Batmobile ... our run-ins with Star Trek, R2D2, and Morelli/Hot Choir Boy ... the list goes on and on.

The thing we're best at though, is ignoring what we should be doing and instead focusing on something fun (like skipping class and homework to instead watch General Hospital and read Stephanie Plum). Erm, on that note, it's back to work for me.

Fire in the hole

John 'Axe' Adcox: "Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. As 17's official toastmaster..."
Ray Santos: [cutting in] "...and bullshitter."
John 'Axe' Adcox: "Thank you, Santos! Did I happen to mention you're cut out of my will?"
--Scott Glenn and Juan Ramirez, Backdraft, 1991

Eventful morning (and it all happened before 7:15. I don't think I should ever get up early again!) We had a little excitement at work this morning when Marjie made toast and it caught on fire. The smoke alarm went off and there were flames pouring out of it. They took it outside and put it under one of the eavespouts and it went out. Worked out pretty well for me though, because Teri went out and bought a new toaster as well as some bagels to try it out. I'm having a plain bagel with garden vegetable cream cheese (I know what you're thinking--garden vegetable?!? That doesn't sound like Rixie!) It was pretty good though.

First Annual Book Talk

"If you're so bored, why don't you read?"
--Moira Kelly, The Cutting Edge, 1992


Time for my first book talk. As a future English teacher superstar, I get many an urge to update my reading audience of what I feel they are missing out on. For those of you who are illiterate fools, SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE!!

So far this summer, I have read a measly ten books. This is probably my lowest summer record thus far. I'm blaming it on work. That, and General Hospital. See, I have this little obsession with Port Charles's local mob boss and I find myself stalking him from 2 to 3, Central Standard Time. But I digress.

Mother of the Bride by Lynn Michaels. Two and a half stars. This romance was utterly predictable, slightly long, and the parts intended to be funny were not all that funny. Still, it had a great cover and it gets points for that (I most definitely judge books by their covers), and it was an easy, enjoyable beach read. Just a little too cheesy to be 3 stars. If you like this, Miss Rixie also recommends: I Think I Love You and Got Your Number, both by Stephanie Bond.

Faking It by Jennifer Crusie. Five stars. Jennifer Crusie is fast becoming one of my top three or four favorite authors. She does funny, she does sexy, she does suspenseful and she's second only to Janet Evanovich while doing it. One gratifying thing about her novels is that her characters have fun little quirks--they're not unbelievably bizarre, yet they don't follow the straight and narrow either. Another gratification is that her covers are awesome! Definitely has the best cover art out of all books available today. Faking It is one of her best. But here's a warning-first read Crusie's Welcome to Temptation (my all-time favorite Crusie). You'll see why ... Miss Rixie also recommends: Fast Women, Crazy For You, and What the Lady Wants.

Lucky Stars by Jane Heller. One star out of five. Guess her stars weren't so lucky, huh? (That was for you *tara--I know how much you enjoy things like that. I could write for People magazine.) I usually enjoy Jane Heller, but not this one. In fact, I blame this novel for the fact that I’ve only read ten so far this summer. I spent the better part of a week and a half struggling to finish it. Why, ask you? Well, to begin with, Stacey is a push-over in a major way. She lets her mother walk all over her and this made me despise her. She's a bit of a whiner too, now isn't she? That’s just the tip of the iceberg. However, my mum disagreed and said she thoroughly enjoyed it. To each his own, I guess... Miss Rixie recommends instead: Sis-Boom-Bah or Name-Dropping by Jane Heller. But if you're really looking for a good book, skip Heller and go straight to Crusie.

The Second Time Around by Mary Higgins Clark. Three and a half stars. I love MHC. Those of you who know me well know she is my all-time favorite author. This book was pretty good. I'm enjoying the first person narrative still, although I miss the old way of getting inside many different characters' heads. Not as good as her last one, but I enjoyed it more than many others. Miss Rixie also recommends: Weep No More, My Lady (Miss R's fave) and Remember Me (her most intricate plot, arguably). Also, Daddy's Little Girl, all by MHC.

Nobody Knows by Mary Jane Clark. Three and a half stars. Now don't get confused--this is Mary Jane, not Mary Higgins. MJC is MHC's ex-daughter-in-law, but she's giving MHC a run for her $$. This was my least favorite MJC, but still a cut above the rest. This book might possibly be four stars, based simply on the fact that her characters are flawed. Truly flawed. Yet you can't help rooting for them anyway. This one took place in Miami which was a fun change from NYC, and the heroine was a little down on her luck which was refreshing from the usual "top of her game" or "up-and-coming" heroine we usually get. Miss Rixie also recommends: Do You Want to Know a Secret? and Close To You, both by MJC.

Sahara Special by Esme Raji Codell. FIVE STARS!! I cannot, canNOT say enough good things about this book. Esme is my idol and all that she writes is golden!! Do NOT read this before you read Esme's other book though--that way you can see how Sahara's teacher is really Esme. If you like this, Miss Rixie also recommends: Educating Esme: the Diary of a First Year Teacher by Esme Raji Codell. Also recommended: The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros. Read them both to see the connections!

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling. FIVE STARS each, although Prisoner of Azkaban is really a notch above the other two. It's by far the best in the series. If you like intriguing plots, intricate planning, extraordinary adventures, loyal friendships, amazing payoff and laughing a lot, I highly recommend these as well as the rest in the series and the films. If you do not enjoy these things, I suggest the Britannica Encyclopedia, Volume N-O. If these books don't give you a pleasurable delight for life, you're a lost cause and nothing will help. Rowling is a genius, that's all there is to it. If she were ruling the world, all things would be as they should.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Five stars. My all-time favorite and what I believe to be the best book ever written. Just reread it over the fourth of July weekend. Hadn't read it since my junior year of high school. Once I finished it, I remembered thinking, "Aaah. Now I'm complete." The feeling has only strengthened. Miss Rixie, The English Nerd also recommends: The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (these books have always gone together in my mind) and Jacob Have I Loved by Katherine Paterson (another great coming-of-age story often incorrectly assumed to be only for young adults).

Seven Up by Janet Evanovich. Four stars. Janet Evanovich is right up there with Mary Higgins Clark as my favorite author. Her books are fabulous. I'm currently (re)reading this one and counting down the days (14) until I am at the Mall of America meeting her. Stephanie Plum is an ex-lingerie buyer turned bounty hunter. She's got nothing going for her except dumb luck and perseverance. Well, that and an ach-oh-tee cop named Morelli and a mentor named Ranger who's as mysterious and sexy as Batman. Throw in Stephanie's penchant for blowing things up (usually her cars), a dog who won't stop eating her belongings, her sidekick-- ex-ho turned office clerk Lula, and Grandma Mazur (who such a character she could have a novel of her own) and Seven Up will keep you up laughing all night. There is NO ONE on God's green earth funnier than Evanovich. Miss Rixie also recommends: the entire Stephanie Plum series, especially One for the Money and Four to Score, as well as her novel Full Tilt. Another hilarious classic is Bridget Jones's Diary and Bridget Jones: the Edge of Reason (Miss Rixie prefers the sequel).

Well class, get reading!! And let me know your thoughts!

It's a sin to kill a mockingbird

"Jean Louise. Jean Louise, stand up. Your father's passing."
--William Walker, To Kill a Mockingbird, 1962

"Anne Shirley must learn to control her temper!"
--Paul Brown, Anne of Green Gables, 1985

Currently re-reading To Kill a Mockingbird. Since it's my favorite book ever written and I've only read it once, I decided that was just not right and it was time to rectify that. It's much funnier than I remembered. This time I'm less preoccupied with the question of why Harper Lee never wrote another novel. I mean, why mess with a good thing? Besides, where do you go from perfection?

But perhaps I should spend less time reading and more time learning to control my temper. I don't know what happens, I just can't seem to keep it under control....

"Yeah, except that it makes me pond scum."
--Julia Roberts, My Best Friend's Wedding


Just when you think life can't get any better or grander, you come crashing back down to reality. I think my head might split in two. Cheers.

Parenting ... it's for the birds

Rick: "You know, it's not easy, being a dad."
Alex: "Yeah, but you're doing it really well."
--Brendan Fraser and Freddie Boath in The Mummy Returns

Frank: [on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.
--Jason Robarbs in Parenthood


The woman that sits next to me has three kids home alone all summer for the second time. Last summer, when school was released for the summer, things were new and exciting and even nerve-wracking. Will they be safe by themselves? Will they remember not to open the door to strangers? Will they convincingly tell strangers on the phone that “Mom’s in the shower so you’ll have to call back later”? This summer the new has worn off. They have effectively proven that any accidents or mishaps that occur will be their own faults. The new question is who will kill them first: themselves or their mother. Mom no longer even believes that anyone would want her kids, pains that they are. Constant phone calls home confirm this to me. “Have you done your chores? You both need to be doing that. It’s not just YOUR job, it’s her chore too.” I’m thisclose to marching over to her house on my lunch break to supervise their chores, just to give their mother a rest.

Secretly though, I think she enjoys it. She is always deliciously angry. Michaela is currently grounded from using the telephone, so Mom’s latest project is testing her obedience by dialing home several times a day. I could set my watch to the time Mom picks up the phone and starts dialing home. Every hour, on the hour. If there is no answer at home, there is a satisfied SLAM as the receiver goes down. If Michaela answers, Mom always sounds suspiciously pleased about having to be angry. “What are you doing answering the phone?” she growls. “You’re grounded from the phone!” This phone call also ends with an angry SLAM, but this one is not as satisfied. My favorite part about every phone call is that, no matter the reason for the call (a lecture, a reminder, or just a chance to check in) she never, ever hangs up without first giving a grudging, “Love-you-bye.” The three words run together to form a single thought, “loveyoubye” and sometimes there are such fierce undertones I almost laugh, as the expression in the words does not reflect the meaning of the words.

Usually an exasperated sigh follows the slamming with the unsolicited advice, “Don’t ever have any kids.” As I never know if she’s talking out loud or to me, I give a noncommittal laugh and occasionally make eye contact or generic comments like, “Aah, to be 14 again,” or “Rough day?” This pattern seems to fit both of us just fine.