Miss Rixie Recommends or The 3rd Annual Book Review

1. No Place Like Home by MHC
Despite the fact that Ms. Clark had four or five children and a handful of grandchildren, she (or any other author currently writing) does not seem to understand what children are ACTUALLY LIKE (children don't pick up on things like Mommy being upset or the fact that Mommy was crying an hour ago if Mommy is doing her best to hide it. Hell, they won't pick up on it if Mommy is doing her WORST to hide it. Children don't realize Mommies experience things outside of their children). This complaint, however, is the worst one I have about No Place like Home, Mary Higgins Clark's most recent bestseller. This suspenseful novel was reminiscent of Clark's golden age--Remember Me; Loves Music, Loves to Dance; etc. Highly recommended!!

2. Dating Is Murder by Harley Jane Kozak
Last summer I recommended HJK's first novel, Dating Dead Men, and said I couldn't wait for Wollie's next adventure (despite the fact that her heroine's name is Wollie). This second novel is proving to be just as engaging and original as her first.

3. Murderers Prefer Blondes by Amanda Matetsky
One of the best and most original books I have read in years. Matetsky's heroine has much to suffer through starting with the fact that it's 1954 and she's a working woman in a man's world. Couple that with the fact that her (married) name is Paige Turner and she has to take lots of grief about it from her male co-workers without being able to stand up for herself or she'll be fired. With a beatnik best friend as a sidekick, the heroine is modern without being over-the-top, and the plot is refreshingly original. The tone is informal without being cutesy, the situations are believable without making our heroine pathetic, and most importantly of all, Matetsky doesn't have to try too hard. Beautiful! Miss Rixie also recommends: Murder is a Girl Best Friend's also by Amanda Matetsky and anything by Tamar Myers

4. Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
Your brother insists everyone call him The Rooster, including his business clients. Your sister dresses up in a fat suit and makes up her face to look like a punching bag to pull one over on her father. While living in Paris, you sign up for French lessons hoping to one day be able to talk pretty. Welcome to the colorful and electric, slightly off-kilter world of David Sedaris. Miss Rixie also recommends: Dress Your Family in Curduroy and Denim, also by Sedaris. More essays about his family, including his brother The Rooster.

5. Every Boy Has One by Meg Cabot
The third and final book in Cabot's NY Tribune series, this novel is (loosely) based on Meg Cabot's own wedding experience with enough twists and unlucky happenstances to keep the reader intrigued (and laughing). Cabot has again struck gold with her originality--the novel is written through emails, telephone conversations, instant messenger, and journal entries between characters--never in dialogue, making it a fast, easy, and enjoyable read. In her last several books, Cabot has climbed to the top of Miss Rixie's list of favorite authors where she resides with greats like Mary Higgins Clark, Janet Evanovich, and Jennifer Crusie.

6. Persuading Annie by Melissa Nathan
An updated, modern version of Jane Austen's Persuasion, Persuading Annie maintains the charm of the original while adding more spunk and sparkle to the characters. Nothing will ever top Nathan's other Austen update Pride, Prejudice, and Jasmin Field, but Persuading Annie runs a close second. Miss Rixie also recommends: pride, Prejudice and Jasmin Field, of course, and Nathan's original novel, The Nanny.

Boys vs. Girls: the Continuing Story

Brennan: When I was getting my hair cut yesterday, the lady told me I should use conditioner to counteract the chlorine from the pool. ... Rix?
Me: Yeah?
Brennan: What's conditioner?
Me: It's moisturizer ... for you hair. You know, lotion?
Brennan: YES, I KNOW WHAT MOISTURIZER IS NOW. SHUT UP!
Me [snickering]: I didn't say anything...

Boys versus Girls

Monday morning after teaching three hours plus of swimming lessons, my younger brother and I stagger home exhausted. We flip a coin to see who gets to shower first (he wins; I make him promise to hurry and threaten him with a torturous death as only an older sister can if he's not fast) and he hops in. A half an hour later, after I'm out and dressed, he knocks on my bedroom door.

Brennan: Rix?
Me: Yeah?
Bren: Can I come in? I need to ask you something.
Me: What's up?
Bren: There's something wrong with my skin. I've washed my face, like, eight times, but my skin feels all dry and ...
Me: Tight?
Bren: Yes! Exactly!
Me: Hold out your hand.
He obliges. I dump enough lotion in his hand to cover his entire body.
Me: Now rub on your face.
He closes his eyes and rubs as if his hands were a towel and a bucket of water had just been dumped on his head.
Me: Better?
Bren: Wow!...It feels better already. Oh my God...that's amazing! How did you know what was wrong?
Me: Well, your skin was dry because you spend three hours a day in a pool with enough chlorine to kill even the most resistant strains of bacteria and then you come home and you wash your face eight times. Write this down: water dries out your skin.
Bren: What??? That doesn't make ANY sense.
Me: Be that as it may...


Two days later as we're goofing around in the pool waiting for our next swimming lesson to start, I tell this story to another lifeguard, Chelsea, in the presence of Brennan:

Me: Isn't it amazing what a boy with two sisters can still miss out on?? I mean, the boy didn't know he needed MOISTURIZER to make his skin stop feeling DRY.
Bren: What's moisturizer?
Chelsea: It's lotion.
Bren: Oh, lotion. ... I used lotion once. On my hands. I can't remember why.
Chelsea and I watch in dumbfounded amazement as he swims away.

Boys.

7th Hell

Me: Mom, will you get me an ice cream bar?
Mom: No.

[Later]
Mom: Who was talking about the TV show 7th Heaven earlier? Now I have the theme song in my head.
Me: You know the theme song to 7th Heaven ? HA-HA!!! That's God punishing you for not getting me an ice cream bar earlier. ...Who on EARTH knows the theme song to 7th Heaven and hasn't yet committed suicide?
Mom: Well, I tape Gilmore Girls everyday and when I get home from work, I rewind the tape. 7th Heaven is on right after GG , so I'm stuck listening to it.
Me: Why, because the rewind button is the only one that works on your remote?
Mom: Well, what do *you* suggest?
Me: TBS where they are playing Seinfeld reruns at that time.
Mom: I hate Seinfeld.
Me:

[Ten minutes later]
Me: What do you mean you hate Seinfeld ? You always used to watch it.
Mom: I hate it.
Me: What are you TALKING about? You like Seinfeld.
Mom: I have a rule with myself where if I turn the TV on and Seinfeld 's on, I have to change the channel before anyone speaks.
Me: But what about Must-See-TV night that we all watched every Thursday all the time I was in high school??? You liked it then! Mom...
Mom: Nope.
Me: I swear you makes these things up just to make sure I'm still listening to you.
[She begins to read and ignore me.]

Me [Ten minutes later, unable to let this go]: I think we've lost sight of what that conversation was about. So Seinfeld is worse than 7th Heaven ?
Mom [Horrified]: NOOO!!!! [Pause] Well, yeah.
Me: [Several octaves higher than usual]: WHAT?!?
Mom: I would never actually watch 7th Heaven.
Me: And yet you know the theme song.
Mom: [Singing the theme song]: 7th heaven...

The Tonys...soon to be renamed The Norbert & Michelles OR The Idina & Tayes--Vote today!!

Rixie & Tara's List of Fabulous Moments During the 2005 Tonys:

Taye 'n' Idina

Norbert and Michelle Federer = BFF!!!!!

Sara Ramirez thanking Claritin

Norbert Leo Butz 'n' John Lithgow hugging

Hugh Jackman saying he got a "look from my wife"

Spamalot performance
Spelling Bee performance (as in"That is correct." "I KNOW.")

Norbert Leo Butz "getting the joke"
Sherie Rene Scott CRYING
"I have always breathed out of one nostril and tonight WAS NO EXCEPTIOOOOON!"
Hot guy from Spelling Bee singing to Al Sharpton
Hot guy from Piazza looking hot
HUGH JACKMAN DANCING!!!!!
Norbert and Michelle Federer = BFF!!!!!
Norbert 'n' John Lithgow hugging
Discovering that Sara Ramirez pronounces "Sara" cool and ethnic

Okay, I know those last two were repeats, but seriously, who can blame me????

I'm looking over this list and realizing that we've forgotten the two most obvious choices (and I mean, really, the whole point in watching):
1. NORBERT LEO BUTZ WINNING
2. SARA RAMIREZ WINNING ... YEAH, BABY!!


I bet you're wishing you watched it, aren't you???